and i know that holding us in place is simply fear of what's already c
by DaniiButNotBeck
Summary: "You can have Manhattan/I know it's for the best/I'll gather up the avenues/and leave them on your doorstep/and I'll tiptoe away/so you won't have to say/you heard me leave" – Sara Bareilles, Manhattan
1. Chapter 1

Title: and i know that holding us in place is simply fear of what's already changed

Pairing: Alex Cabot/Olivia Benson

Summary: "You can have Manhattan/I know it's for the best/I'll gather up the avenues/and leave them on your doorstep/and I'll tiptoe away/so you won't have to say/you heard me leave" – Sara Bareilles, _Manhattan_

A/N: :) :) :)

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Once upon a time, the ice skating rink at Rockefeller Center had been their spot. Years ago – in another life – they had stood together, fingers intertwined, leaning against the rink's short wall. There was still too much unsaid between them, too many years spent separated, too many hurt feelings and broken hearts and missed chances, but that moment? That moment was perfect. And then a call came in and real life came crashing down again and that was that.

Separated again by Alex's promotion, by Olivia's new boyfriend, by baby Noah, and then again by Alex's new job in the private sector. Separated, separated, separated until Alex looks back now and can't remember a time they were even in the same room for more than a couple minutes.

(That's a lie: three weeks earlier, Olivia had stopped by unannounced at her new office, bringing with her two meatball subs from Alex's favorite deli, and they spent a whopping 13 minutes and 52 seconds together before Olivia was called away in the name of justice.)

Alex stands at the rink now, watching happy couples twirl and smile and fall that much more in love, watching the sheer amazement that lights up skaters' faces as they feel their skates glide on the ice for the first time. She wants to be out there, wants to be tucked against Olivia's side as they glide around the rink, giddy and love drunk and invincible. She wants to hold Noah's hand and she and Olivia take him out onto the ice for the first time. She wants to take her family home and drink hot chocolate in front of the fireplace and run her thumb over the cool gold band she wants to put on Olivia's left ring finger. She wants to say all of this to Olivia's face and watch her light up as she realizes she feels the same.

But mostly she wants to take back the last twelve years and she wants to stay when Olivia asks her to.

But Alex doesn't have a time machine and she can't change the outcome of her decisions, she can only live with the consequences.

Which is why she flees as soon as Olivia notices her staring from across the rink.


	2. Chapter 2

Boston isn't New York – it just doesn't have that special New York pizzazz – but it's large enough that it offers the anonymity Alex can lose herself in. She lives in an apartment overlooking Boston Common, giving her a great view of the trees as they start to fill in and as the flowers begin to bloom. As the weather's gotten warmer, she's taken to eating lunch by the duck pond, watching children tumble over themselves and their parents to get a better view of the ducklings.

It makes her think of Olivia, if she's taken Noah down to the pond yet, if they're enjoying the early spring warmth. It makes her miss them in a way she hasn't felt since mid-February when the late-winter freeze took over the city and made leaving her apartment impossible.

She had closed herself in for a week, shutting out all signs of the outside world as snow fell continuously for two days and blanketed the city, immobilizing it. Without work to distract her, Alex had fallen back into the habit of wondering what Olivia was doing at any moment during the day. Had she been called in to work on a case? Was she bringing Noah to daycare? Was she preparing to testify in court? How was she braving the below zero temperatures?

And then when the week was over, she threw herself back into work and pushed all thoughts of Olivia from her mind.

But there's something in the air today, something about how absolutely perfect the day has been so far brings thoughts of Olivia to the front of Alex's mind as she settles into her usual bench in the Common. She wonders what Olivia's doing, wonders what kind of week she's had, wonders if she's had a chance to eat her lunch yet or check in on Noah at the daycare.

In fact, Alex is so lost in thought that she doesn't know someone has joined her on her bench until they speak.

"You know," they say, and Alex jolts a little, "you should eat your sandwich before the ducks do."

Embarrassed, Alex laughs, and then turns just a bit to face her visitor. "What are you doing here, Olivia?"

Olivia runs her hand through her hair and pushes her sunglasses up onto the top of her head. "There's an opening at the District Attorney's office."

"And they sent you to ask me to come back?"

"I had some vacation time saved so I volunteered."

"Why?"

"I miss you," Olivia says, stating it as if it's the easiest thing in the world to admit. Maybe for Olivia it is, but it makes Alex's breath catch in her chest. There's a long tense pause and then: "I saw you that night. At the rink. I wanted to stop you as you were leaving–"

"I'm not going to be your backup plan, Liv."

"I'm sorry. My backup… _what_?"

"Your backup plan. I'm not going to be it."

"You have never been my backup plan, Alex. You could never be a backup plan. When I look at my future, Alex, it's you. It's always been you."


	3. Chapter 3

Once upon a time, the ice skating rink at Rockefeller Park had been their spot. Years ago – in another life – they had stood together, fingers intertwined, leaning against the rink's short wall. There was still too much unsaid between them, too many years spent separated, too many hurt feelings and broken hearts and missed chances, but that moment? That moment was perfect. And then a call came in and real life came crashing down again and that was that.

But that was then and this is now, and a lot of time has passed between then and now.

Alex is leaning against the wall of the rink, twirling the rings on her finger around and around, watching Olivia across the rink as she helps Noah to his feet again. She grins at them and feels her heart sore.

The rings are still foreign to her, even after all these months. But there's also something comforting about them, a relief in knowing that there was a permanent ending to all that pain and doubt and confusion they endured.

Alex breaks out of her reverie at the telltale sound of blades on ice and smiles as her wife and son come to a stop in front of her.

"Hey, you," Olivia says, leaning in to kiss Alex.

"Hey, yourself," Alex responds, leaning into the kiss.

"Come out with us," Olivia says. "We promise to hold on to you."

Alex looks between Olivia and Noah's toothy grins and knows that she would do anything to keep them looking at her like that. "Okay," she says.

And all at once this is enough.

 _End_


End file.
